Scary Mike

Who is Scary Mike?

Perhaps the funniest commenter to ever grace the FunnyPics community. For a brief period in late 2013, Scary Mike became the #1 commenter on the app, telling us wild stories of his human centipede, Butt Face, a standoff with the Were Moose and Nicolas Cage, and running his own restaurant. He also has a thing for hockey masks, murder, and goats.

In his own words, he’s “Sort of like an Old Spice commercial that periodically threatens to murder your entire family with it's dick”. Currently, Scary Mike’s whereabouts are unknown, but his forest bungalow has been searched and aside from the numerous mangled body parts, it was mostly barren. He was last seen chasing after his cannibalistic refrigerator with Steve Buscemi. Scary Mike remains at large and only time will tell if he shows his face again (edit: he deleted his blog, so the chances of him returning are slim)

The Recordings of Scary Mike
First Contact (id. 54200) [4/26/13]:

So this guy offers a child something for a million dollars and it’s funny. But when Scary Mike offers to RELEASE a child for a million dollars, everyone gets upset. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE!

Talking about Vans (id. 54494) [4/30/13]:

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always been a windowless van guy myself. I like to keep a low profile, and the human centipede I keep in the back would draw WAY too much attention in any other vehicle. The damn thing is always trying to call for help. SUPER annoying on long car rides, but hey, what other options do I have? NOT string people together, mouth to anus? That’s preposterous!

Talking about Trees (id. 54503) [4/30/13]:

OneTimeAtBandCamp: It’s like a plant right? You just pour the gasoline on it just like a tree…

Scary Mike: That’s what I tell my victims as I light them on fire. “You just poor the gasoline like you’re watering a tree, and when you give it a spark, the tree grows big and strong…and flamey.”

Scary Mike: Hmm…Scary Mike managed to creep out Scary Mike. Scary Mike apologizes. *Retreats back into the woods*

Scary Mike Sing-A-Long (id. 54764) [5/4/13]:

Time for a sing along friends! Scary Mike has…HEAAADS, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES, KNEES AND TOES. HEAAADS, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES, KNEES AND TOOOOOEES, EYES AND EARS AND MOUTHS AND NOSE! HEADS, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES, KNEES AND TOES!!!... In his crawl space.

Scary Mike’s Multiple Personalities (id. 54969) [5/6/13]: '''

Friends, I appear to have 3 different personas. Unfortunately, they’re all psychopaths. The first persona is as clever as he is evil. He has no sense of morality. Do not trust him. The second persona (who refers to himself in third person) is a bit more… “Stabby Rapey” than the first, but he is also a bit slower. I think he just wants to be loved. Now I DID say that all 3 of us were psychopaths, and it’s the truth. I may seem mild mannered but I… am anything but. See, last month, I was checking out at a gas station when I spotted a dollar on the ground. I picked it up… and instead of returning it to its rightful owner, I..I…I SPENT IT ON A PACK OF NUTTER BUTTERS!... Now the package just sits there atop the pile of intestines in my bedroom, a tasty testament to my sin… God help me…

Scary Mike: Who the fuck is this guy?

MACWE: “stabby rapey.” I lol’d

Pick-up Lines (id. 55005) [5/7/13]:

Scary Mike’s favorite pick up line is “It’s KNIFE to meet you.” *proceeds to pull out a knife and stab wildly at the air.’ Scary Mile gets all the ladies, mostly because they’ve suffered massive blood loss…but beggars can’t be choosers! Am I right guys?

Zlorg: So I guess Scary Mile gets more tail then you huh? (Line 3, word 6)

Scary Mike: Uh…uh NO *Fails to fight back tears. Retreats back into the woods*

Problem with Pit Girl and Community Barbecue (id.55154) [5/9/13]:

Hey friends, I have some bad news. Last night, I discovered a gruesome sight inside one of my holding pits. After suffering weeks of torture and name calling, Poop Face, one of my pit girls, snapped and murdered another pit girl. Even worse, she had already started to devour the poor girl’s body by the time I arrived… Life is just so… unfair, you know? I mean, that was supposed to be MY meal. I had been prepping her for weeks, all for nothing. I’m just so down right now… I can’t even will up the energy to stab anyone. Please pry for me in my time of need. This community has always been accepting of my…eccentric tastes. Thank you.

MACWE: But…But… You invited me over for dinner. What’re we going to eat now!?

Scary Mike: I’ll think of something… I know! How about you bath in barbecue sauce before you come over. That way, everyone will know that you’re heading up to a barbecue and they’ll want to come over too! Thanks for cheering me up MACWE!

MACWE: Oh, I’ll be bringing barbecue sauce… but you know, it’s pretty cold outside, you should probably warm up on your barbecue.

iBoughtTheProVersion: Can I come naked?

Scary Mike: Of course. It’s a barbecue

Cheese and Crackers (id. 55549) [5/13/13]: Repost Joke Time: Mike and Jim were strolling through the woods. After several hours of strolling, Jim turned to Mike and said "Hey, Mike, I think we're lost". Mike looked at the encroaching darkness around him and replied “Cheese and Crackers Jim, I think you're right!". The two friends decided that they were too lost to continue onward so they set up camp for the night. Jim soon settled into a deep sleep. Mike however, was restless, because God was speaking to him again. God told Mike of Jim's terrible sins. God told Mike of his plans for Jim, and Mike obeyed. "Wakey Wakey" cooed Mike. Jim opened his eyes, his drowsiness turned to terror. In front of him stood Mike, his hands grasping an angry badger tied to a stick. Jim began to scream. With one fatal lunge, Mike badgered Jim into oblivion. "CHEESE AND CRACKERS JIM! CHEESE AND F**KING CRACKERS!!!" Mike howled. And with that, Jim was no more.... Haha

What Scary Mike Did Last Week (id. 55666) [5/15/13]:

What’s that friends? You want to know what Scary Mike did last week? Well, on Monday, I went window shopping with Crazy Steve. On Tuesday, I got a new job at Best Buy. On Wednesday, I saw Iron Man 3. On Thursday, I lured three college girls into the Best Buy after hours and bludgeoned them to death with a Nintendo Wii. Friday was cleanup day. On Saturday, I lost my job (My boss was CRAZY). Sunday was all about bird watching. You people just GET me. Ya know? I really appreciate it.

The Riddler: I want to be friends with you… Don’t worry, I can supply you with the hostages (the ones that failed the riddles that is).

Scary Mike: What’s a “hostage”? Can Scary Mike kill it?

Scary Mike Band Auditions (id. 55803) [5/17/13]:

Hey friends, Scary Mike here. I just wanted to know if any of you would want to join my band. Our working band name as of now is “Scary Mike and the Mikettes” although “Scary Mike Experience” is still on the table. I even got Nicholas Cage to sing lead vocals on two bonus tracks “Rock You Like a Hurricage” and “You’ve Uncaged my Heart”. I am holding auditions for new Mikettes next Tuesday and Thursday. Oh, one caveat though friends, all Mikettes must be quadruple amputees. I’d say it wasn’t a sex thing (but it totally is). If you still have a few limbs attached to you, I can remove them for a small fee (Your soul). Auditions will be held in the abandoned Shoe Carnival on Detroit’s west side. Anyway, if you’re interested in becoming a Mikette, just let me know in the comments section. Toodles!

Repost Joke Time (id. 56074) [5/20/13]:

Repost Joke Time! What did the cannibal say to the butcher when he ordered his purchase? He said “Hey, can you give me a HAND with this” HA, GET IT? The cannibal asked for a HAND, Implying that he was both asking for help, AND a human appendage. IT IS MOST HUMEROUS YES!? LAUGH YOU FOOLS! LAUGH WITH SCARY MIKE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Scary Mike on Rape (id.56089) [5/20/13]:

Scary Mike does not rape people. Scary Mike makes love to people. They just don’t love Scary Mike back.

Scary Mike Argues With Himself (id. 56130) [5/21/13]:

Scary Mike would F**k those camels rights…

Scary Mike: Jesus Mike… STOP BEING SO WEIRD!

Scary Mike: If Scary Mike had a dollar for every time you’ve said that, SCARY MIKE WOULD HAVE 82 CENTS!

Scary Mike: …Why would you ha-

Scary Mike: WHY?! BECAUSE YOU’RE A CHEAP SON OF A B*TCH! THAT’S WHY!!!

Scary Mike: ‘sigh’ I hate it when we fight like this Scary Mike…

Scary Mike: You’re right, I’m sorry…

Scary Mike: Oh Scary Mike… KISS ME YOU FOOL! *Scary Mike and Scary Mike passionately embrace one another, and all is right again*

Butt Face is Missing (id. 56233) [5/22/13]:

Bad news Friends. It seems that my beloved human centipede, Butt Face, has escaped from my dwelling. (He/She/It?) has been stirring up quite a bit of attention, and I need Butt Face back home as soon as possible. Normally, I would correct this issue myself, but I’ve already scheduled a Sex in the City marathon tonight with me and Crazy Steve and I’ve already ingested WAAAY to much paint thinner to be of any use (It feels like I’ve been skull raped by a band of sexually frustrated garden gnomes). That being said, I am willing to offer Walt Disney’s frozen head for Butt Face’s safe return. Before you set out on the hunt (as I’m sure you all will), be warned. Initially, Butt Face may appear to “communicate” with you (it thinks it’s people). Let me assure you that it is not in fact, intelligent, nor can it speak (Because mouths are full of sh*t). If you manage to capture Butt Face, don’t bother looking for me. I’ll come looking for you… Good luck and Godspeed.

'''How Long Does It Take To Kill Someone Covered In Paper Cuts and Thrown Into A Pool Full of Lemon Juice? (id.56346) [5/24/13]:

3 hours and 23 minutes*

Butt Face Is No More (id. 56397) [5/24/13]:

Hey friends, Scary Mike her with some… unfortunate news. I have just been informed that my beloved human centipede, Butt Face, is no more… because some sick… F**K FACE decided to “disassemble” it. At this point, a lesser man might throw in the towel… They’d think “Maybe the world just isn’t ready for the human centipede”. Well you know what friends? Scary Mike is NO LESSER MAN! We shall build a NEW Butt Face! Even greater than the last! This one will have ten- no – TWENTY AISIANS IN IT! And…and…it will dispense LAZERY JUSTICE from its tear ducts! And…and… WE SHALL TEACH IT TO DANCE LIKE NO ONE HAS EVER DANCED BEFORE!!!... NOW, WHO’S WITH ME!?

'''A Piece of Cake? (id. 56598) [5/27/13]:'''

More like a piece of sh*t…Tasty.

Scary Mike: That was stupid…

Scary Mike: HEY, EAT A BAG OF DICKS, YOU ASSHOLE!!!

Scary Mike: FINE, MAYBE I WILL!!! *Proceeds to eat a bag of dicks*

The Guy In The Pit (id. 56607) [5/27/13]:

I would like to apologize to you all. I uh…got this guy chained up in one of my holding pits, calls himself “The God of Funny Pics”… Yeah, I really don’t know what to do with him. I mean he just WON’T…SHUT…UP. “There’s no bathroom here!” “Please let me go!” “A grizzly bear stole my food rations!” SO ANNOYING. Anyway, his bitching and moaning was getting on my nerves so I gave him one of my “gently used” iPhones to shut him up and now he seems to be annoying you people as well. Normally, I’d just eat him, but the combination smell of loneliness and body odor he emits is very off putting. Now he’s just kinda…sitting in his own feces, touching himself. It’s gross. Any suggestions regarding this…problem would be appreciated. Thank you.

The Mystery Gang Saga (id. 56735, 56800) [5/29/13,5/30/13]: '''

(id.56735): Scary Mike told them not to get involved. Scary Mike F**KING WARNED THEM about snooping around, but did they listen? NOPE.

Later:

(id. 56800): Hello Friends. I feel that I need to explain my actions regarding the "Mystery Gang" and the death of their stoner friend. Ok, I was just chillin’ in my bungalow, doing Scary Mike stuff, when those punk-ass kids come knocking at my door, asking me if I've seen any "suspicious activity" recently. Quick lesson friends: When a dude in a hockey mask answers the door and he's carrying a bag of dicks in one hand and a carving saw in the other, DON'T ASK TO COME INSIDE. I told them to mind their own f**king business, but did they listen? NOOOO. A few hours later, I hear ‘em digging around near my hiding pits. The geeky one was like "Jinkies, this place looks spooky, I bet this Mike guy is the one killing all those prostitutes!" NO, REALLY!? What gave it away? Butt Face? My collection of human skulls? Maybe it was THE PILE OF DEAD HOOKERS IN MY F**KING LIVING ROOM!!!? Stupid kids... Anyway, the gang split up, and the stoner guy saw me sooo... yeah, They should've seen this coming. The stoner didn't taste very good, but I did hear colors for a while after dinner... Trippy.

Scary Mike’s Authenticity (id. 56885) [6/1/13]:

Hello friends. It has come to my attention, that there has been some speculation about the authenticity of my…exploits. I was shocked to find that the majority of this speculation was centered around the unlikeliness of my statements ACTUALLY BEING TRUE. What?! You all thought I was lying? ON THE INTERNET?! How absurd! Soon you’ll all be claiming that Colin Kaepernick isn’t the real Colin Kaepernick, or that Plants isn’t some self-centered mutant shrubbery, or that MACWE isn’t a…MACWE. That very notion, that Scary Mike isn’t a notoriously handsome serial killer, philanthropist, and a singing pop sensation, is just silly.

Bat Nipples (id. 57071) [6/4/13]:

Those Bat Nipples are really f**king sexy

Scary Mike: Such language! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Scary Mike: All the time

Scary Mike: Wow…that’s hot

Scary Mike: I know, right?

Scary Mike vs. The Riddler (feat. The Riddler) [id.57156] {6/4/13}: '''

The Riddler: Scary Mike, the cannibal eater. Who lives in the forest with his bar-b-que heater. It’s time to clash as the others are dead. For the dogs I own will now be fed. Emmyleigh, go to my lair! Get my scroll! So I can battle my friend, as he has taken his toll! The two worst horrors anyone has ever met! I killed the other famous people but there still one left yet! It’s time to battle, you dastardly man! Hiding in the forest from all the fights you have ran! See that? It’s burning! Your forest is destroyed! All the bodies you kept are now burnt and devoid. You are nothing but crazy. You only dance and you scare. I have never even seen you kill a main if I’m fair. You’re scary it’s true, you’re creepy it’s true. But you’re death has arrived for its long overdue. Now let me see what kind of fight you will bring. For all I predict is that you’ll dance and sing…

Scary Mike: I’m Scary Mike and I’m here to say, don’t go digging beneath the freeway. I’ll cut you down, put you in my fridge, Scary Mike will serve you with a side of midge-ets…… F**K…. Scary Mike has a confession friends. See…I can’t read. As such traditional typing is a bit of a challenge for me. Instead I just bash my fists on my iPad until words appear with the generous use of autocorrect. Even as I’m typing now, I have no idea what I’m saying fish tacos. See? It’s all gibberish. Rhyming is particularly difficult, because again, every sentence I type is purely coincidental. Shank you for your continued support, and my apologies to the fiddler. I wasn’t a very good snatch for him.

The Riddler: I-just- I…don’t…F**k it. I’m done. Why have I stooped so low as to challenging an idiot… I was a mastermind damn it! I was a genius! Now look at me! ****! *throws down cane and leaves* Emmyleigh! Get my cane! * gets in car* F*** this…I’m tired… Emmyleigh! Take me home… You all haven’t seen the last of me…

Scary Mike and The Were Moose (id.57447) [6/7/13]:

Repost Joke Time: Tom and George were taking a leisurely stroll through the woods. "Gee, what a great day we've' had!" said Tom. "Yeah, I had a lot of fun, but it seems to be getting dark out. We better head home" replied George. Tom's suddenly grew restless. "It is growing dark out..." He whispered. Suddenly, Tom looked towards the sky, his eyes filled with terror "OH NO, A FULL MOON!" he shrieked. Suddenly, Tom began to change before George's eyes, for Tom was... A WERE MOOSE! "MOOOOOOOSE!" cried Tom, his new antlers pointed at George, who was now desperately crying for help. Scary Mike, who had been stalking the two friends for quite some time, sprang into action, but he was too late, as the Were Moose formally known as Tom, began to feast on George's flesh. "THAT WAS SCARY MIKE'S DINNER!" cried Scary Mike as he stood before the Were Moose. The creature rose up from his meal, and the battle was on, like Donkey Kong. *Journey's "Love Will Find You (Separate Ways)" begins to play* Scary Mike quickly armed himself with the Were Moose's only known weakness: A Pair of God Damn nun-chucks! The two combatants circled one another, waiting for a chance to strike. Suddenly, The Were Moose lunged at Scary Mike, its eyes filled with murderous intent, but Mike was too fast for the beast. "MOOOOOSE!" Cried the Were Moose, as Mike began to furiously chuck the creature into submission. Never before had anything, man or beast, been so furiously chucked. Mike had won this battle and the Were Moose had been defeated. "Hmph" he grunted, after surveying the two corpses at his feet. "Scary Mike is not AMOOSED right now." ....haha

Advertising (id. 57655) [6/9/13]:

Hello friends! You know what really grinds Scary Mike’s gears? The History Channel. See, they’ve got all these monster hunting shows, right? Well as few nights ago, I turned on the history channel just in time to see some… HILLBILLY, checking out my “work”. I was flattered, until I saw his crew take away the corpse for “science”. Then, adding insult to injury, this dumb ass looks at the camera at says “This mutilated flamenco dancer could only be the work… of BIG FOOT!” Really? Big Foot? Ok, Mr. Big Foot hunter, this may sound crazy (and I AM crazy), but that dead dancer might have been the work of the lovely Scary Mike. You know, BECAUSE YOU FOUND IT IN FRONT OF MY RESTAURANT (Which is coincidentally, also my house). I use those corpses to advertise my business dammit! I mean, COME ON! How else can I let people know about my eating establishment? A f**king neon sign outside of my bungalow that reads “Scary Mike’s Murder Emporium and Grill”? That’s just bad business… *sigh* At least we’re on Yelp… (The reviews are admittedly so so) I swear, if I find that redneck on my property again, I WILL SLOWLY STRANGLE HIM WITH HIS OWN INTESTINES AFTER SUBJUGATING HIM TO AN ENDLESS PLAYLIST OF SMOOTH JAZZ FUSION!!! AND HE SHALL RUE THE DAY OF HIS BIRTH, BECAUSE I AM SCARY MIKE, KING OF KINGS AND F**KER OF DOGS!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA…. Haha…ha. Sorry about that friends…got a bit carried away there, but I’m done venting now. Thanks to being such great listeners!

Scary Mike: *Sees typo. Tries not to cry. Stabs a puppy instead*

Goat Love (id. 57974) [6/12/13]: SCARY MIKE WAS TRYING TO LEAVE THIS MESS IN THE PAST BUT YOU PEOPLE WON'T LET THIS THING GO!!! SCARY MIKE IS GOING TO END THIS MEDIA FRENZY RIGHT NOW! *Sigh* The rumors are true, I had sexual relations with a goat. What's that? You didn't want to know about this? WELL F**K YOU! MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE MORE OF AN INTEREST IN SCARY MIKE'S LIFE!.... Now, back to the rumors. Yes, I made love to a goat, not once, but several times. Let me assure you all that I did not take advantage of him. Our love was entirely consensual. In fact, the goat came on to me first. I had been stalking the goat for a bit, looking for a quick snack, when the goat spotted me. He walked towards me and proceeded to...beg. His lips said "BHAAAAA" but his eyes said "Take me Mike", and so I did, for 6 hours. The goat was super freaky and we did things I had only dreamed of. Sure, some people were upset, dropping names like "Goat Fucker" and "This is a children's petting zoo!" and "KIDS, GET BACK IN THE CAR!" They just didn't understand! Unfortunately, our relationship wasn't meant to last, as my goat lover could not handle such fiery passion. The autopsy confirmed that he died of massive internal hemorrhaging about 3 hours into our love making session... He was my rock; he was my strength when I was weak. He... was my Fuck Buddy. I will miss him so very much... Good night Sweet Prince. May a flock of angels lay you to your rest.

Scary Mike’s Murder Emporium and Grill (id. 58273) [6/15/13]: '''

Hello Friends. It appears that my ad campaign for "Scary Mike's Murder Emporium and Grill" has failed. While my strategically placed corpses didn't attract very many customers, they did attract a fair number of police. (They've been taken care of) As such, I have chosen to use social media as a means of promoting my restaurant. Unfortunately, my "Book of Faces" experienced some broad technical difficulties... So I've decided to advertise on Funny Pics instead! (Don't tell StuckPixel) Scary Mike's Murder Emporium and Grill is fun for the whole family! We've got plenty of great meals, such as our savory "Filet min-Truckasaurus Rex" our mouthwatering "Hick on a Stick" and our brand new "Pork Cuts Platter"! (Pork Cuts priced by rank and number of years on the force) Another customer favorite, the "Kid Lover Combo Platter", is served with grade-A goat meat and a side of cheese and crackers, all prepared by our wonderful chef, Scary Mike! (I tenderized the meat myself...) In addition to the rest of our selection, our Special this month, “Butt Face Surprise" is unlike anything you've ever tasted before! I guarantee it'll make you and your taste buds rethink their life choices! (Must place order 2-3 weeks in advance for "preparation"). On top of that, all customers will be served by our lovely and beautiful waitress, Scary Mike! (Don't worry. I'll wear a dress and speak in a lady's voice so it won't be weird). Seating is limited (We have one table and six chairs) so come on over to Scary Mike's Murder Emporium and Grill before we come to you! (Unless you're a dolphin, in which case, go F**K yourself).

The Odor by Hodor (id. 58539) [6/18/13]:

Scary Mike: Scary Mike will buy 20

Scary Mike: You know Scary Mike, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

Scary Mike: Wait. Birds decrease in value when they’re placed in bushes? This changes everything…

Scary Mike: It’s just an expression about greed Scary Mike. Don’t take it so liter-

Scary Mike: So…should Scary Mike take those birds out of his pants?

Colin Kaepernick: Ever try to feed a horse??

Scary Mike: Good idea

Invalid Chicken: Please say I’m not that bird please say I’m not that bird…

Nicholas Un-Caged (id. 59330) [6/26/13]: Hello friends. I would l like to tell you a story now. The year was 1996. Bill Clinton's penis was in the White House and The Prince of Bel Air was exceptionally fresh. I was at home, sewing nipples onto my beanie babies when I heard a knock at my door. Looking outside, I saw a man standing on my front porch. That man was Cage, Nicolas Cage. I walked out to confront Cage, sword fish in hand, but I was suddenly taken back by his smile. It was the smile of a man who had intentionally farted inside a crowded elevator. I liked it. He told me that he was preparing for his role as a psychopath in the upcoming movie "Face off" and that an Armenian Gypsy had pointed him in my direction. I was flattered, and I welcomed him into my home. We had a great time those first few days, stalking Jennifer Aniston, chucking cats at moving cars, chucking cats at Jennifer Aniston, scaring pregnant woman to induce labor... (So many beautiful moments). Yes, Cage was a great roommate, until he did the unthinkable. He...HE ATE SCARY MIKE'S NUTTER BUTTERS!!! Cage was asking for an ass whoopin’ and I was happy to oblige. I quickly armed myself with my trusty whoopin’ stick. Cage grabbed for a rusty dildo, and the battle was on. We fought for hours, whoopin’ and dildoing each other until our nipples bled. After a while, we dropped our weapons and just...screamed at one another. The sound was devastating. Cage was like "GRAAAAAAAAH" and I was like "EEEEEEERRRRG" and my closest neighbor was like "The fuck is that noise...?" Then, something incredible happened. Cage's head exploded into a gooey mess. Our battle was over, or so I thought... Incredibly, another head grew out of Cage's bloody stump! And the screaming continued until this new head exploded as well! Head after head appeared and exploded, each one crazier than the last. Cage was madness incarnate. I knew the battle was hopeless and I submitted defeat. I stopped screaming, and BOOM, Cage disappeared in a puff of smoke, his quest for crazy fulfilled. All in all, he was a pretty cool dude.

'''The Midget Funeral (Repost Joke Time 3) [id. 59745] {6/30/13}: 

“Repost” Joke Time!: Mike adjusted his tux. As he bore witness to the 8 tiny coffins before him, his thoughts turned to the previous few days. Mike had volunteered to host Chicago’s annual “South Side Pride Midget Toss”. When the event’s festivities neared their end, whimsy and midget jokes turned to bloodshed and violence when one of the contestants, Gunther, unleashed a string of racial profanities. Shots were fired at 8 midgets lost their lives (A bunch of other people died too, but they weren’t funny looking, so Mike didn’t give a F**k). Mike blamed himself. Those midgets had placed their lives in his (racially ambiguous) hands, and he had failed them. Mike was sad, yet even he couldn’t help but giggle as the itty bitty coffins were lowered into the ground (hey, don’t judge him. You had to be there). Suddenly, Mike’s laughter was broken by the wail of a cell phone, his cell phone. Mike answered the call. It was his friend David. “Hey Mike!” said David. “Is your refrigerator running?” Mike thought over the question carefully. “Yes” he replied. “Well” said David, “You’d better go catch it!” Mike was stunned. How could he have been so stupid! His refrigerator was RUNNING. Mike hung up the phone, as his business with David was over. Mike had a refrigerator to catch… but that, friends, is another story…Erm…Joke. This started as a joke right? Damn…This joke doesn’t have a punch line… OR DOES IT?... No wait…it doesn’t… *Retreats back into the woods*

EmoBumPincher: Are you going to kill David?

Scary Mike: yes, but for reasons unrelated to the disappearance of Scary Mike’s fridge.

Mike, I’m Pregnant (id.60059) [7/3/13]:

Scary Mike: Hello friends! Scary Mike has a story to tell. Scary Mike was eating at Burger King when suddenly, a GIANT SPACE WORM CA-

Scary Mike: Scary Mike… I’m pregnant… AND YOU’RE THE FATHER!

Scary Mike: Can Scary Mike eat the baby?

Scary Mike: Wait…You don’t want to know how this is physically possible? I mean it’s pretty cra-

Scary Mike: no

Scary Mike: You sure? It’s a fascinating stor-

Scary Mike: Yes

Scary Mike: Well then… Uhh… Yah, you can eat the baby

Scary Mike: Cool

Attack of the Grimace (id. 60627) [7/10/13]:

Rastafarian Joke Moment! Mike was dreaming. In his dream, Mike was having a "Kentucky Fried Four Way" with Rosie O’Donnell, Kevin Bacon, and a half eaten grilled cheese sandwich. It was a good dream. Sadly, Mike would never know how it ends, because his sleep was suddenly broken by a thunderous roar. "GRIMAAACE!!!" The roars continued as Mike took off his onesie, grabbed for his hockey mask, and stepped outside. Before him, stood a herd of Grimace. Thousands of the purple bastards now surrounded his bungalow. A chorus of "GRIMAAACE" arose from the mob once more, their stupid eyes bulging from their sockets. Mike knew that he needed to act cautiously in their presence, as Grimace are notoriously Belgian. He had a secret weapon, but he needed to stall for time. "What are you doing on Scary Mike's property?" Mike asked dryly. The largest Grimace stepped forward. "GRIMAAACE!!!" It replied. Mike considered the Grimace's proposition carefully... "Scary Mike doesn't have any Jimmy Buffet tickets." He said. "But Scary Mike does have an Easy Bake Oven as you have requested." The large Grimace stared at Mike for a moment before crying "GRIMAAACE!!" in approval. The herd of Grimace were clearly pleased by Mike's offer. Unfortunately for them, Mike really liked brownies.

* The BEE GEES' "Stayn' Alive" begins to play* It was time for his secret weapon. Mike threw off his mask to reveal a pair of miraculous mutton chops, the likes of which have never been seen before. To gaze upon them, was to gaze upon the very birth of creation. "GET MUTTON CHOPPED BITCHES!" roared Mike, as his luscious chops reached out for the attack. The herd of Grimace tried to run, but it was too late. Mike mutton chopped them all. EVERY. LAST. F**KING. ONE. Once the last of the Grimace were struck down, Mike paused to observe the blood soaked carnage around him. It was lovely. Satisfied with his work, he performed a thrustastic victory dance before returning home. Inside, Mike removed his tired mutton chops, and returned to bed. Now, he could finally sleep in peace.

Scary Mike’s Computer Virus (id. 61879) [7/23/13]:

Scary Mike: Scary Mike’s computer has a virus

Scary Mike: F**K YOU AND YOUR STUPID COMMENT!

Scary Mike: …Scary Mike is starting to think that you don’t like him very much…

Scary Mike: Mike you stupid Nob Hopper…I don’t dislike you. I HATE you. Your life story is an inspiration to abortion advocates everywhere. Child molesters check for your name on watch lists. Every time you speak, an angel gets bitch slapped down to Earth and your face looks like it was set on fire and someone tried to put it out with a shovel! WHAT DO YOU GOTTA SAY TO THAT MIKE!!?? YOU GOAT F**KING SON OF A BITCH! WHAT DO YOU GOT TO SAY TO THAT!?...

Scary Mike: …You poop.

Scary Mike: I…I can’t… *Breaks down. Takes off pants. Tries not to cry. Cries a lot*

Not The Hero We Want…Or Need…Or Deserve… (id. 62414) [7/28/13]:  '''

Scary Mike: Well friends, it looks like Scary Mike needs to disappear for a while. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Scary Mike can do these things, because he’s not like Dent. Scary Mike killed those people. That’s what Scary Mike can be. A hero. Not the hero Funny Pics deserves, but the hero we need. Nothing less than a night. Shining. You’ll condemn me. Set the dogs on me, because I’M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS! But sometimes, people deserve to have their faith rewar-

Scary Mike: Woah, hold up Mike. You’re big “Good Bye” speech is just a bunch of random, misquotes from the Dark Knight movie? Seriously? That’s so lame…Worse yet, you’re actually comparing yourself to Batman. You have NOTHING in common with him.

Scary Mike: Umm… For your information, we have plenty of stuff in common. We are both fabulously handsome, misunderstood loners who wear masks and abduct people. I’m pretty sure he also goes hairless-

Scary Mike: BATMAN is a crime fighting vigilante hero. YOU are a serial killer!

Scary Mike: …and YOU are judgmental. See? Nobody’s perfect.

Scary Mike: … You know what? I don’t care anymore. Just stop writing this crap already. It’s not healty.

Scary Mike: F**K YOU. This community deserves a better classic hero! Scary Mike will stay until justice is upheld!... Or at least until he finds a better venue to speak his mind…possibly online… hmm

Live Entertainment (8/4/13):

Hello Friends! Oh wait, that's right. None of you are my friends because NOT ONE OF YOU VISITED MY RESTURANT!!!...except for Plants. YAH, that's right, Plants is a TRUE friend. We had a wonderful time together. The conversation was a bit one sided... and he never actually left... but he was there for me at least! Dude ordered the salad though... the sick f**k... Ok, MAYBE I could have been a bit clearer with the address... So here it is. We are located in Palm Springs, West Dakota... or something... It doesn't matter. Anyway, you know what DOES matter!? LIVE ENTERTAINMENT! That's right! Starting this Thursday, Scary Mike's Murder Emporium and Grill is bringing you 4 straight days of live entertainment! Thursday, our Chef Scary Mike has prepared a list of Haikus for the audience! Here's a sample!

Big Bird loves freely

The Dude just wants his pants back

Dolphins are Fish Whores

AWESOME RIGHT!? On Friday we've got Scary Mike and the Mikettes on stage playing their 2 hit singles, "Special Needs Romance" and "Goat Me Tender". And on Saturday, our lovely waitress, Scary Mike, will perform a sexy "Poncho Strip Tease" for all of our lucky customers. Finally, I am thrilled to announce that our Sunday headliner is none other than the entire cast of the hit sitcom "Full House"! THAT'S RIGHT! THE GANGS ALL HERE! (I may or may not have kidnapped them) and they're going to bring back your favorite Full House moments by recreating every episode from season 1-3! It wasn't easy (Bob Saget threw a chair at me) but I think this Sunday is going to be real special! I Hope to see you all there!

God Trump Tells Scary Mike to Start a Blog (id. 63335) [8/6/13]: Hello friends! Scary Mike here. A few nights ago, I experienced a life changing event. That night started like any other, with lots and lots of alcohol. My human centipede, Butt Face, and I, had decided to drink a few beers. “How many beers?” You might ask. All the beers, that’s how many. My memory got a little fuzzy after beer #20, but I will never forget what happened next. A light, brighter than anything I had ever seen before, suddenly appeared in my living room. A figure then emerged from the light as a flock of angels began to sing the “Hallelujah Chorus”. I couldn’t make out his face, but I knew I was in the presence of God himself. Now at this point in the story, you should know that I was inside a goat at the time…sexually. Awkward right? I mean, what was I supposed to do? Pull out and expose myself in front of him? Things didn’t get any better when the goat started bucking and making noise… I kept waiting for him to say something, ANYTHING, but his entrance just kept going and going… Finally, the music stopped and God stepped forward, revealing himself to be…Donald Trump.

His first words were “Put some pants on Mike”. I was quick to oblige, but I was a bit puzzled by his appearance.

“Why do you look like the Donald?” I asked.

Trump God’s eyes studied me carefully. “I have taken on a form that appeals to you” he replied. It was true. His hair was fabulous.

“But God Trump, what do you want from Scary Mike?”

“Mike,” said the Trumpeter, “I like you. Your escapades amuse me and you have a good sense of self-promotion. You drop your name almost as much as I do, and I’m Donald Trump…owner of Trump Tower…Trump.”

Scary Mike was confused “Wait, are you sure you’re not Donald Trump-?”

“No, shut your mouth and listen to me.” The Trumpster’s eyes narrowed. “Mike, I need you…to start a blog.” The last word reverberates throughout the bungalow. Father Trump’s expression lightened as he continued. “Call it... ‘The Scary Mike Saga’. (scarymikesaga.blogspot.com) It’ll have stories, community stuff, pictures, and most importantly, goats. You gotta have goats, Mike. I want people to look at your blog and say ‘Damn, this guy really likes goats’. It’ll be great.”

I was stunned. “…and if it meets my expectations,” said Trump God “I might even let you touch my hair someday.” I don’t know if it was the god complex thing or the alcohol poisoning, but his words just made sense to me.

“Scary Mike will make you proud!” I bellowed, my heart now filled with purpose.

“Wonderful” said God, and suddenly, he was gone. All was quiet in my living room once more (Until Butt Face puked on my couch. That was really loud). More info to come…

Important Announcement (id. 63898) [8/11/13]:

Scary Mike here with an important announcement! Scary Mike will be posting new stories on his blog every Thursday. Scary Mike has recently posted a story about his adventures under the sea on his blog as well. There is dolphin rape in it. That is all.

Leaving the Seat Up (id. 80696) [11/14/13]:

Scary Mike: Been there done that

Scary Mike: Is that all you ever think about? SEX?! Scary Mike is more than a piece of meat! You repulse me!

Scary Mike: OH, now Scary Mike “repulses” you? Yah right… You know what IS repulsive? You leaving the toilet seat up! You never consider Scary Mike’s needs!

Scary Mike: HEY! YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT NEITHER OF US USE THAT TOILET!... Not since… the accident.

Scary Mike: 3 days… that sewer snake was in Scary Mike’s ass for 3 DAYS! And… and… it never called Scary Mike back afterwards… Scary Mike thought we shared something special.

Scary Mike: Toilet snakes will come and go, but Scary Mike will always be there for you.

Scary Mike: *Scary Mike and Scary Mike passionately embrace one another and all is well once more*

The Last Known Appearance of Scary Mike (id. 88750) [9/27/13]: '''

Hello Friends!

I would like to quickly bring everyone up to speed regarding my sudden hiatus. I was caught up in an unexpected (and very real) personal matter that was unrelated to my previous technical difficulties. While I have always tried to be open about my many exploits and shenanigans, this issue will have to remain vague and unexplained. (It doesn't involve goats or murderous fast food mascots, so you're not missing much anyway.) That being said, "Is Your Refrigerator Running? Part IV: Manson and Friends" will be posted shortly. (For real this time. I promise.)

See Also:

 * Blowhole Madness
 * Is Your Refrigerator Running?