Blowhole Madness

By Scary Mike

August 8, 2013

Scary Mike is going to tell you a very personal story now, a story...about dolphins. It all started a few months ago on a carnival cruise ship. I was on vacation, taking it easy, when I decided to continue a longstanding tradition requiring me to stick my willie in strange new places. Unfortunately for the other passengers, that "place" was inside the ship's electrical generator, and the resulting blast left the ship without power. (Impressive right?) I then proceeded to freak the fuck out and jump overboard into the ocean. After struggling to stay above water, my life was saved by, you guessed it: a dolphin. He offered me a ride, and in broken English, he told me that his name was "Dolphy". Soon, we were best friends. Our lives were filled with frolicking and merriment and we spent our days laughing and singing with the other dolphins. After a while, the two of us grew tired of childish songs and games. We wanted excitement, so we started partying... hard. (Dolphins throw the sickest parties) Hard partying led to even harder drugs, and soon, Dolphy was a regular drug fiend. Uppers, downers, Crox, Citizen H, Rocky III, He did ‘em all. I was upset at first, (Mostly because he wasn't buying from me,) but he said that he could handle himself...and I believed him. That was a mistake. A few nights later, I was awoken by the sound of laughter. I opened my eyes to find myself surrounded by a pack of dolphins, they're beady eyes trained on me. Before I could act, the dolphins threw me in a large steel cage. I was their prisoner. As I was taken away, I caught a glimpse of Dolphy. His face said more than words ever could. It was the face of someone who had just betrayed their closest friend. "YOU SOLD SCARY MIKE FOR DRUG MONEY!?" I screamed, my voice filled with pain. I would never hear his response because the thuggish dolphins quickly sedated me. When I awoke, I found myself in a cramped, ill lit space, face to face with one of the most despicable mammals to ever swim in the sea: Big Daddy Blow Hole. "You my bitch now" he cooed, his heavy Dolphinian accent muddling his speech. "Fuck You" I spat, just in time to receive a viscous blow from the dolphin's pimp cane. "See" he said, "You take cane like a bitch". He had barely finished mocking me before he shouted something in Dolphin. Big Daddy grinned as two scummy looking dolphins entered the room. "He's good to go" he chided, before exiting the room. I could no longer ignore my current situation. I was now their bitch, and they were going to have their way with me. These two dolphins were only the first of many. They made me do things... terrible, terrible things. My life was a never ending grind of pain and nasty ass sex. This friends, was my darkest hour. I had lost all hope until a fellow dolphin whore revealed some shocking news. Dolphy had OD'd on Heroin. At first, I didn't know how to feel. On one hand, he had been my closet friend. On the other hand, HE WAS AN UNCARING BASTARD WHO SOLD ME INTO PROSTITUTION FOR DRUG MONEY! I decided that our friendship had ended the moment he had betrayed me. I hope he rots in Dolphin Hell!

My newly discovered anger towards Dolphy ignited a fire in my soul. "SCARY MIKE IS SCARY MIKE!" I roared, much to the confusion of the other prisoners. SCARY MIKE HAS SLAIN THE MIGHTY WERE MOOSE, AND FOUGHT ENTIRE HOARDS OF GRIMACE. SCARY MIKE IS NOBODY'S BITCH!" Summoning my new found strength, I ripped of my shackles and broke down my cell door. I had a score to settle with Big Daddy Blowhole. Fortunately, I didn't need to look very far. I could hear him having his way with one of the female sex slaves in a cell down the hall. I prepared myself for the approaching battle and rushed towards him. I was ready. With a thunderous roar, I broke into the room. Big Daddy was atop the other dolphin, doing...something. I honestly couldn't tell you what... I mean it wasn't sex (at least I THINK it wasn't sex,) but I felt dirty watching them none the less. "Stop doing whatever it is you are doing and fight me Big Daddy!" I bellowed, my voice filled with confidence. Big Daddy didn't even flinch. "Hold on." he said casually. I was unnerved. "No" I said. "You need to-" Big Daddy wouldn't budge. "Bitch, I said hold on!". At the moment, I thought "Fuck it. Let’s do this". I rushed towards him fists at the ready, but he was fast. He finished whatever the hell he was doing, cleaned up, and hit me across the head with his pimp cane before I could even react. The battle was over before it had even begun. Big Daddy swam past me as my fists failed to connect with him. I chased after the bastard, but it was no use. He had already sped off in his deep sea pimp mobile. Vengeance would not be mine that day. Big Daddy was still on the loose, but I had still gained my freedom. My first breath after breaking the water's surface was a small slice of heaven. (I had been holding my breath for several weeks). I was done with Dolphins, or so I thought...but that, is another story. (Seriously though, Dolphins are fucking psychos. Their smiles hide nothing but madness).